Breaking point

I found out today that I didn't get the NTL job. It doesn't really bother me though as I was expecting not to get it. Perhaps I didn't have adequate customer service experience or I was just overqualified - they maybe thought I might stick at it for a couple of weeks then bugger off elsewhere in search of greener pastures. Anyhow, in a sense I'm glad as I really didn't like the flexible shift idea (also, working alternate Saturdays and possibility of working Xmas and New Year!), and Bellshill is a bit too far for my liking. On the plus side, I might've been working alongside very sociable, friendly people doing something which could be enjoyable. Anyway, enough of NTL, I've already devoted this entire paragraph to it!

Anyway, at least they got back to me, which is something. It can be fair to say that I haven't yet made a concentrated effort to find employment - perhaps I don't deserve a job yet until I pull the finger out! In many situations I think my laid-back attitude has been my undoing.

It's worth noting that over the past 2 days I've been feeling really down - this could be a by-product of the weekend, but more likely an effect of spending far too much time on my own and indoors, and not having anything to get up for in the morning. This in contrast to last Wednesday, when I went for the NTL interview. Despite having a cold, I felt very happy indeed all day - this could be because of the prospects of potential job and girlfriend, and I felt great to be out in the big, bad world! Such extreme fluctuations in mood can be scary.

I've effectively spent nearly 4 months doing little else but watching films, browsing the web and comsuming numerous caffeinated drinks. Luckily I have had some form of social life and have been doing fairly regular exercise, but it's becoming less and less and those things alone are not nearly adequate for a satisfying lifestyle. It's safe to say that I'm feeling very lazy at the moment, as if I'm gradually fading away into obscurity.

This is the longest period I've ever spent being "idle", and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone (uni holidays are around 3 months). I've found that the trouble with having so much free time is that your life eventually loses all structure and becomes almost meaningless - time off loses its novelty. I suppose this applies to too much of anything - after a while it becomes bland or sickening. I've just rented out yet more films from Blockbuster ("Unbreakable", "Fargo" and "Hi Fidelity", for the record) but I think these'll be the last, as I've pretty much watched all the ones I wanted to see - sad, I know. Now I'll really have to do something more productive with my life. I could start working on some songs as I have the recording equipment and plenty of ideas, but I just don't feel inspired, living here in Prestwick. One activity I've taken to doing recently is a traversal of my entire CD collection, past and present, playing each one from start to finish. I'm about 1/4 of the way through, and since the start have heard the (almost) complete back catalogues of Nirvana, REM, Manic Street Preachers and Suede - quite nostalgic, as a lot of these albums comprised the sound of my adolescence, but nothing more than nostalgia. Sometimes you've got to move on. I'm currently approaching the Joy Division section so the timing couldn't be worse, given my current state of mind!

Now, I know I rant on about Prestwick in a negative manner all the time, but I think it's just my perception of the place which is negative - too many memories of an awkward adolescence etc, which I would rather escape. It's not really that bad (I can think of a lot worse).

In general, though, the environment here is not good at the moment. My parents are feeling generally down as well, for a variety of reasons (my gran unwell, my uncle's heart problem, my other uncle's drink problem, my dad's bad leg, a friend's funeral, another friend's funeral etc... - believe me there is more - oh - not to mention worrying about what their son's going to do with his life :D). As a result, my parents house is not a very cheery place to be (although they are very good at hiding stress and sadness), and I feel the best thing for me to do is to move out again.

As was mentioned in the previous post, I think I'll try and find accomodation in Glasgow - statistically the second happiest city in Europe :) - and once I've set up a "base", I can try to sort out getting some source of income. It makes sense because I'll probably be going to job interviews there anyway and I'm now paying rent in Prestwick, so might as well do it in a place I enjoy living in more. Also, I'll get out my parents road, and then they'll have one less thing to worry about, and if I move in with strangers, they might turn out to be the best flatmates ever (could turn out to be the opposite of course)!

I do have some savings left from the money my mum gave me when she retired, so that should be enough to pay rent, bills, shopping and perhaps a gym membership, until I get an income of my own. Of course, it could go horribly wrong and I could still be jobless in a few months with not a penny to my name, and begging my parents to take me back! Let's just hope that doesn't happen!

Sometimes I actually get angry at myself, because by most people's standards, I'm in a very fortunate situation (financially secure, reasonably healthy, could get decent job with degree) and I sometimes forget that and become obsessed with problems which, in the grand scheme of things, are insignificant. Hell, there's a girl waiting for me to take her out - what right have I to moan!! These things aren't always as simple as they appear on the surface and the danger is that if you spend too much time alone and not doing much, you tend to start worrying and negative thoughts can creep into your head. Eek!

I often feel that it's a travesty that I'm not making a real effort in life - but sometimes no matter how fortunate you tell yourself you are, it still doesn't make a difference! My problem is that I'm accustomed to having it too easy and that is actually a bad thing in many ways. However, soon I'll try to make an effort, and perhaps eventually there'll be no time for worrying about daft things or feeling sorry for my insignificant little self.

Anyway, apologies for the extremely negative tone of this post - I'm afraid it's just a reflection of the way I'm feeling right now. But hey - that's what blogs are for, isn't it?